The circle of life is a remarkable journey.
I am sitting here trying to find words to articulate how I am feeling, but instead my head is filled with emotions and not words.
I am sitting here thinking about life and death. I just deep fried a turkey, made stuffing and a pie. My life should be filled with aromatic Thanksgiving scents and joy, but it is not.
I have a lot going on. And my life is going to get a little more complicated in about a month. I keep asking myself why I made the decisions I have made. Why did I have to go to college? Why did I think getting a Master’s Degree and going to law school were pertinent to my life? Why did I feel like I made the right decisions with education only to be stopped at the door of opportunity because our government squanders away our money and, because of that, our opportunities for success?
I think these things every single day of my life.
I am thinking these things right now. But death is permeating through my body and mind. Life continues when somebody dies.
My grandmother, my mom’s mom, is going to die. The doctor’s believe it will be any moment now. They forget about faith. However, with faith comes a responsibility to be reasonable – it’s a delicate balancing act that must exist so you do not lose touch with reality and reason.
Many people will say my grandmother was a great woman.
Many people will mourn her death until the day they die.
Many people will question whether she had guilt before she died. Did she feel remorse, sorrow, empathy for the bad decisions she made.
I have no idea how to feel.
I grew up protected from my grandmother. You see, as soon as my mom had the chance she ran away to start her life in a fresh environment. So at 19 years old, after exhaustive hours working her job, my mom saved up enough money to move away. She followed the path of the tip of a pencil to Central Pennsylvania where she has remained since that fateful trip all of those years ago. She has lived with the pain from a childhood not protected. And because she never wanted me to feel that pain, she protected me from everybody who could cause me pain; she protected me from those people who caused her pain.
I will forever be indebted to my mom for her courage and love for a child not yet born. I will forever be grateful that my mom had the strength to stand on her own. She saved my life before she even knew I was hers.
So I mourn for my mom in these critical days. I cry with my mom because I feel her pain. But mourning the death of my grandmother is a different story.
I was never close to her. Thankful for my mother’s protection, I have never had regrets about not having a relationship with my grandparents. However, I am sad. I am sad that the life that is ending is causing such pain for the people that I love.
The circle of life is a funny thing. One day you’re born. One day you die. The most powerful decisions, situations, and choices all happen in the middle. It is all of those situations and choices that determine the type of person you become; the type of person you are.
I cannot speak about all of the decisions my grandmother has made during her life, but she failed catastrophically and that is how I will remember her. And I hate myself for it.
In the end she is surrounded by everybody she hurt. Those people are a testament of faith, of courage, of overcoming pain; they authenticate my belief in God every single day. Because how could He not exist when all of these amazing people are uniting to mourn the death of a person that they love, that they care for, that they call family despite the horrific decisions she made?
I will spare the bad decisions my grandmother has made because this post is not about tarnishing anybody’s name or reputation. I mean, I care about my grandmother. I love her for what she is to me. But I have a hard time marrying the love I have for a grandmother that I never had a chance to know intimately with the mother that raised my mom.
Because life is complicated enough when you feel alone and full of emotion, I needed to write something down. I already have all of this other weight on my shoulders, and I know it’s not going to stop because a life is ending, I thought I would reach out to the world wide universe. I thought if I put all of my emotions and thoughts, regrets and feelings out there in the world maybe the world can take on some of these pressures so that I can be strong for my family during this horrible time.
I know that I cannot be the only one out there that has a difficult time marrying who the person once was with who the person became in the moments before they died. I don’t know if it’s normal, if it’s allowed, if it’s damaging, disrespectful or unfaithful to be feeling such a disconnect but I know the next couple of days are going to be hard and exhausting. I want to be there for my mom the best that I can without losing myself in a situation that I’m trying to keep a distance from.
I need your prayers. Not for me, but for my mom and family.
God our Father,
Your power brings us to birth,
Your providence guides our lives,
and by Your command we return to dust.
Lord, those who die still live in Your presence,
their lives change but do not end.
I pray in hope for my family,
relatives and friends,
and for all the dead known to You alone.
In company with Christ,
Who died and now lives,
may they rejoice in Your kingdom,
where all our tears are wiped away.
Unite us together again in one family,
to sing Your praise forever and ever.
I want you each to know that I appreciate and love you all! Your support means the world to me. Thank you for choosing to be part of my journey in life.