Family, Drama, Misunderstandings

Sometimes in life it is important to stand back and listen to what somebody else is saying to you {or trying to say}. Even if that person is delivering the information in a way that is condescending and demeaning. Two days ago I wrote a blog post that caused drama beyond that which could be found in an episode of The Hills. I was mortified that it was received so horribly. I’ve since redacted most of text from that post, but still feel scorned.

Let me explain, this is my website. I have coddled this little online universe of mine since I started it in October 2010. I have invested hours, calories, hard work and money to keep this little online baby of mine growing. There have been moments where I wanted to throw in the towel and just stop; especially recently. However, I have continued on.

When I first started this venture I promised my readers {who did not exist then} that this would be a forum where I would talk about life, love, food and human experience and I have remained true to that commitment the past 18 months. I am proud of the vow I made to my {then} elusive audience and myself.

Two days ago I was caught off-guard. While I take responsibility for being harsh in my delivery in that blog post, I find it sometimes necessary to be direct and uninhibited about conveying information. However, I felt personally attacked at the end of the day. While this is my website, I do express feelings that go beyond my own. Nick was very upset about how the weekend ended with his family and it made my life sort of touchy. It was not the easiest couple of days and I was upset that nobody seemed to understand our frustrations. 

For some reason my blog post turned into a personal reproach of my happiness, my ego, and my ability to work well with others. I was beyond appalled. Everybody assumed that the issue was mine and mine alone; nobody considered my words were compounded by Nick and his rants. That irritated me.

By nature I analyze situations, conversations and encounters to a level that goes beyond typical expectations. It bothered me that the email I received seemed to be a direct assault on me, without considering Nick. It offended me that the assumption was that I caused a problem because I have an ego, a sharing problem and am unhappy inside. My simple analysis led me to two clear conclusions: (1) Nick’s family thinks that I am fundamentally the cause behind this drama and am assumed to be the strong hand generating the drama; and (2) I have some internal disposition that is making me sad and unhappy much of the time.

That did not sit well with me. So I countered:

Just to address the last part of your email, about “feeling good inside,” I do. My mother raised me to be strong minded, opinionated and to stand up for myself. While I may wear my heart on my sleeves and be emotional, do not misinterpret that as being sad or miserable on the inside. I am not; in fact I am far from it. Do I struggle with certain things in my life? Absolutely. However, you would be hard pressed to find somebody in this world that does not have some sort of internal struggle. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. Do I feel hurt and sad sometimes? You bet I do. However, like you said, emotions are legitimate feelings usually as response to or result of an event or sequence of events. I don’t want you to confuse my disappointment and frustration over this situation as not feeling good inside. That could not be farther from reality. 

I think it is important to remember that we all have a voice. Stand up for yourself in a constructive way; make sure people hear what you have to say. I was raised to do just that. It is unfortunate at times that I wear my heart on my sleeves because it gives people the impression that I am weak or continuously sad. That is not the truth and I refuse to allow people to believe that.

I stand by what I said; however, that does not mean I do not like his family because I do. I like each of the people in his family for difference reasons. His mom and dad have been nothing but gracious and hospitable for the past 4 years; I will be forever grateful that they invited me into their hearts and home.

I feel sad that they think of me in this way and know it is because they misinterpret my emotions and my intentions. It is also because Nick is not open with his family about what he’s feeling a lot of the time. That leads people to believe that the frustration I express in my blog is mine, not his. I don’t understand that. If I have a problem with my mom I tell her.

At the end of the day this is my website. I will continue in the same way with or without criticism. I am not ashamed about how I feel and I refuse to mute my voice because somebody is offended about legitimate emotions. It is important that we all stand firm in our beliefs and convictions. Do not allow people to slant a situation in a way that is negative or personally insulting toward you. Stand your ground; but do not be disrespectful. 

I love my life. I have hard days. I have days where I feel sad or frustrated. There are days that I wish my situation was different, that I had made different decisions and there are moments where I think I was guided in the wrong way and now face very stressful days. However, this is my life. In those moments I remember that I have a boyfriend that loves me. I remember that I have a mother who has dedicated her life and love to support me. And, I remember that I have two little fur babies that are the cutest things in the world and will cuddle me when I feel sad.

We all have bad days. However, don’t judge a book by its cover.